yesterday (thursday) morning at 6:10 i received a phone call. my cousin, who is just a month younger than, me took his own life early thursday morning.
its so weird to write that. i don’t exactly know what my heart/head/body is feeling. there is a total mix of emotions.
brian was a respectable man. his father left when he was still young so he was forced to grow up quickly. he did so and quickly became the man of the house and a father figure to his younger sister. he worked two jobs so he could attempt to pay his way through college. he lived simple. he loved his family. he was always laughing. he loved to play dominoes. he loved to eat chocolate pie. he loved to laugh. he loved to play pool. he loved to live life. he loved.
its so hard right now b/c my heart feels like it needs someone to blame. im angry at him b/c this was so selfish. i am angry at his ex-girlfriend b/c i believe that was the source. i am angry at myself b/c i didn’t make more of an effort to tell him about the love of Christ. i just don’t know what i feel. i almost wish that they find out that someone shot him so i would have someone to blame. but then i am stuck with the fact that as a believer i would have to forgive the person that did it.
i just wish i could wake up and this all be over.
there is something though that is going to happen through all of this. somehow, in some way God is going to bring glory to himself. so in the meantime i am mourning the loss of my cousin but i am waiting and watching in expectation for the time when God receives his glory from all of this. i don’t know what is going to happen or when it is going to happen but i sure hope it is in my lifetime.
i covet your prayers.
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December 14, 2007 at 11:15 pm
baptizedbyice
I’m sorry. You, Brian and your family will be in my prayers. Keep the faith, it will get you through.
December 15, 2007 at 1:08 am
tODD
It’s understandable to be angry — that’s a really hard thing to have to deal with. I’m sorry. Julia and I will keep you and your family in our prayers as well. To the degree that any person is to blame for this, forgive them — including yourself — because it is to God’s glory to be able to share his forgiveness and love with others.
December 16, 2007 at 1:50 am
TXdny
Joel,
During this time of pain and grieving for your family, I would like to share a few words from a book I read this summer by Kate Braestrup, a chaplain with the Maine Warden Service. After searching for and finding the body of a young woman, Betsy, a suicide victim, in the woods, Mrs. Baestrup visits with the brother. Her first comment to him and one I had never really thought of before is that his sister died of severe clinical depression. What a gentle way to speak of suicide. Surely, even though it may be undiagnosed, severe mental distress can be every bit as ruthless and deadly as cancer or any other devastating physical illness. Many times it goes undiagnosed or unrecognized for so long that it is in the final stages before we recognize it. And, just like the body finally giving in to the ravages of disease, the mind gives in to the pain and ravages of the emotional illness. Perhaps no selfishness is intended but instead a lonely, desperate search for peace at last. Perhaps also, an unrecognized desire to just be held in the arms of the Father.
Kate Braestrup has these words of comfort for the brother, and I hope you and your family can find comfort in them also. Chapter 10, “Here If You Need Me”: “I want you to know today, Dan ,that there is no doubt in my mind, no doubt at all about where Betsy is right now. God is holding your sister close to His tender heart. Betsy is safe, she is forgiven, she is free at last from all her pain.”
May you and your family find comfort for your pain during this time in the presence of Emmanuel.
December 17, 2007 at 10:10 pm
Michael
God already is glorified. He’s glorified through your brokenness, through your clinging to Him (because in reality, he’s all you’ve got anyway) and he’s glorified by your desire to see him glorified.
Love you bro,
MS
December 18, 2007 at 4:43 pm
CB
Bro-
My prayers are with you.
-CB